Hamlet: Facebook News Feed Edition by McSweeney's
Horatio thinks he saw a ghost.
Hamlet thinks it's annoying when your uncle marries your mother right after your dad dies.
The king thinks Hamlet's annoying.
Laertes thinks Ophelia can do better.
Hamlet's father is now a zombie.
- - - -
The king poked the queen.
The queen poked the king back.
Hamlet and the queen are no longer friends.
Marcellus is pretty sure something's rotten around here.
Hamlet became a fan of daggers.
- - - -
Polonius says Hamlet's crazy ... crazy in love!
Rosencrantz, Guildenstern, and Hamlet are now friends.
Hamlet wonders if he should continue to exist. Or not.
Hamlet thinks Ophelia might be happier in a convent.
Ophelia removed "moody princes" from her interests.
Hamlet posted an event: A Play That's Totally Fictional and In No Way About My Family
The king commented on Hamlet's play: "What is wrong with you?"
Polonius thinks this curtain looks like a good thing to hide behind.
Polonius is no longer online.
- - - -
Hamlet added England to the Places I've Been application.
The queen is worried about Ophelia.
Ophelia loves flowers. Flowers flowers flowers flowers flowers. Oh, look, a river.
Ophelia joined the group Maidens Who Don't Float.
Laertes wonders what the hell happened while he was gone.
- - - -
The king sent Hamlet a goblet of wine.
The queen likes wine!
The king likes ... oh crap.
The queen, the king, Laertes, and Hamlet are now zombies.
Horatio says well that was tragic.
Fortinbras, Prince of Norway, says yes, tragic. We'll take it from here.
Denmark is now Norwegian.
Thursday, August 14, 2008
Hilter rants about how Twitter is always broken
"And that stupid fail whale!"
"Didn't they just get $15 million in VC funding?"
"Sir, why don't you give Tumblr a try?"
"Tumblr?! Do I look like I'm wearing a goddamned dress?"
We bought a tub of vanilla ice cream with swirls of caramel and little nuggets of peanut butter and chocolate. I can't remember the brand, and it's too much of a bother to go to the freezer to check it out, but for some weird reason, the ice cream marketing department decided to call it Bunny Trail.
For dessert the other night, I pulled out two bowls and two spoons and started scooping out ice cream with my spoon for the two of us. Little did I know that Frank has a VERY IMPORTANT ice cream ritual, which involves running an ancient ice cream scooper under hot water and scooping out perfect little balls of ice cream.
"WHAT ARE YOU DOING??" he exclaimed. "You're flippantly flopping ice cream everywhere!! Stop that!"
"Oh?" I giggled, "Flippantly flopping down the Bunny Trail?"
Really. I couldn't make this shit up if I tried.
For dessert the other night, I pulled out two bowls and two spoons and started scooping out ice cream with my spoon for the two of us. Little did I know that Frank has a VERY IMPORTANT ice cream ritual, which involves running an ancient ice cream scooper under hot water and scooping out perfect little balls of ice cream.
"WHAT ARE YOU DOING??" he exclaimed. "You're flippantly flopping ice cream everywhere!! Stop that!"
"Oh?" I giggled, "Flippantly flopping down the Bunny Trail?"
Really. I couldn't make this shit up if I tried.
Amazing Jack Black facts
Did you know that Jack Black and Giovanni Ribisi were in the same episode of the X-Files during its third season? It's true. Scully grills Jack Black. It's kind of awesome.
Amazing hippo facts
Hippos have been clocked at 30 mph (48 km/h) while running short distances, faster than an Olympic sprinter.
Their specific gravity allows them to sink and walk or run along the bottom of a river.
For additional protection from the sun, their skin secretes a natural sunscreen substance which is red-colored. The secretion is sometimes referred to as "blood sweat," but is neither blood nor sweat.
In Colombia, Pablo Escobar maintained four hippos in a private menagerie at his residence in Hacienda Napoles, 100 km east of Medellín, after purchasing them in New Orleans. They were deemed too difficult to seize and move after the fall of Escobar, and hence left on the untended estate. By 2007, the animals had multiplied to 16 individuals and taken to roaming the area for food.
Adult hippos can't actually swim and are not generally buoyant. When in deep water, they usually propel themselves by leaps, pushing off from the bottom. Young hippos are buoyant and more often move by swimming—propelling themselves with kicks of their back legs.
Hippos attack humans and boats. Steve Irwin, who used to toy with crocodiles for fun, considered a five-minute sequence crossing a river filled with a hippos to be the most dangerous thing he ever filmed.
The Discovery Channel recently broadcast footage of a hippo eating a wildebeest. The hippo first pushed two crocodiles out of its way with its gigantic snout to get to the wildebeest; the crocodiles put up no resistance at all.
A park ranger in Africa recently sprinted over a hundred yards to survive a hippo attack.
To mark territory, hippos spin their tails while defecating to distribute their excrement over the greatest possible area.
Their specific gravity allows them to sink and walk or run along the bottom of a river.
For additional protection from the sun, their skin secretes a natural sunscreen substance which is red-colored. The secretion is sometimes referred to as "blood sweat," but is neither blood nor sweat.
In Colombia, Pablo Escobar maintained four hippos in a private menagerie at his residence in Hacienda Napoles, 100 km east of Medellín, after purchasing them in New Orleans. They were deemed too difficult to seize and move after the fall of Escobar, and hence left on the untended estate. By 2007, the animals had multiplied to 16 individuals and taken to roaming the area for food.
Adult hippos can't actually swim and are not generally buoyant. When in deep water, they usually propel themselves by leaps, pushing off from the bottom. Young hippos are buoyant and more often move by swimming—propelling themselves with kicks of their back legs.
Hippos attack humans and boats. Steve Irwin, who used to toy with crocodiles for fun, considered a five-minute sequence crossing a river filled with a hippos to be the most dangerous thing he ever filmed.
The Discovery Channel recently broadcast footage of a hippo eating a wildebeest. The hippo first pushed two crocodiles out of its way with its gigantic snout to get to the wildebeest; the crocodiles put up no resistance at all.
A park ranger in Africa recently sprinted over a hundred yards to survive a hippo attack.
To mark territory, hippos spin their tails while defecating to distribute their excrement over the greatest possible area.
Wednesday, July 23, 2008
Ross-Simons customer service is dreadful
I've just had the most frustrating customer service experience with Ross-Simons, which is a shame, because it's actually my first customer service experience with them.
A month ago, I was given a gift (Multicolored Cultured Pearl and Multi-Gem Necklace in Sterling Silver, item #216594). It wasn't quite what I wanted, so I found a necklace I liked (Sterling Silver Graduated Bead Necklance, item #239497) and decided to make an exchange. The multicolored pearl necklace was selling on the Ross-Simons website for $60 (and still is, at the time of this letter), and the silver bead necklace was selling for $105. I assumed that I would pay somewhere around $50 ($105 purchase price - $65 merchandise credit = $40 + s&h + tax) for the silver bead necklace.
Imagine my surprise when the necklace arrived with a statement that said I had been charged $90! I assumed this was a mistake, and while I wasn't impressed with the shipping/billing error, I was willing to put in the time to call and rectify the situation. That's when the fun started.
According to the two customer service representatives I spoke to (first one, then her manager), because the gift giver purchased the multicolored pearl necklace during a 3-for-$45 special in December 2007, the multicolored pearl necklace was only worth $15 (even though it's currently selling on the website for $60), and that's all I was credited. It's Ross-Simons policy, apparently.
This policy makes no sense, and it's certainly not a policy that's adopted by companies who wish to keep their customers happy. If you receive an item as a gift, and you want to return that gift for merchandise credit, you should receive merchandise credit for the amount it's selling for right now. What the gift giver paid for it is irrelevant.
Why my gift, which I received without a receipt or order number, was associated with the original purchase price is beyond me. It makes Ross-Simons look like they're trying to weasel out of taking $40 off my bill. For a company whose 2007 sales reached $166,000,000, I'm amazed that a first-time customer is being cheated out of the paltry sum of $40, and that the customer service manager didn't refund me the $40 in order to keep me happy. I even told her that if she didn't refund the money, I would be very unhappy and Ross-Simons would lose a customer. That didn't sway her, and I was denied the refund.
There are hundreds of jewelry retailers in the market, and if no action is taken on this complaint, it will ensure that my future business - and that of my friends, family, coworkers, blog readers, and casual acquaintances - will be taken elsewhere. A favorable outcome - the refund of $40 to my credit card - will satisfy me.
A month ago, I was given a gift (Multicolored Cultured Pearl and Multi-Gem Necklace in Sterling Silver, item #216594). It wasn't quite what I wanted, so I found a necklace I liked (Sterling Silver Graduated Bead Necklance, item #239497) and decided to make an exchange. The multicolored pearl necklace was selling on the Ross-Simons website for $60 (and still is, at the time of this letter), and the silver bead necklace was selling for $105. I assumed that I would pay somewhere around $50 ($105 purchase price - $65 merchandise credit = $40 + s&h + tax) for the silver bead necklace.
Imagine my surprise when the necklace arrived with a statement that said I had been charged $90! I assumed this was a mistake, and while I wasn't impressed with the shipping/billing error, I was willing to put in the time to call and rectify the situation. That's when the fun started.
According to the two customer service representatives I spoke to (first one, then her manager), because the gift giver purchased the multicolored pearl necklace during a 3-for-$45 special in December 2007, the multicolored pearl necklace was only worth $15 (even though it's currently selling on the website for $60), and that's all I was credited. It's Ross-Simons policy, apparently.
This policy makes no sense, and it's certainly not a policy that's adopted by companies who wish to keep their customers happy. If you receive an item as a gift, and you want to return that gift for merchandise credit, you should receive merchandise credit for the amount it's selling for right now. What the gift giver paid for it is irrelevant.
Why my gift, which I received without a receipt or order number, was associated with the original purchase price is beyond me. It makes Ross-Simons look like they're trying to weasel out of taking $40 off my bill. For a company whose 2007 sales reached $166,000,000, I'm amazed that a first-time customer is being cheated out of the paltry sum of $40, and that the customer service manager didn't refund me the $40 in order to keep me happy. I even told her that if she didn't refund the money, I would be very unhappy and Ross-Simons would lose a customer. That didn't sway her, and I was denied the refund.
There are hundreds of jewelry retailers in the market, and if no action is taken on this complaint, it will ensure that my future business - and that of my friends, family, coworkers, blog readers, and casual acquaintances - will be taken elsewhere. A favorable outcome - the refund of $40 to my credit card - will satisfy me.
Monday, June 23, 2008
Things I've really been enjoying:
- Postcards From Yo Momma. OMG, everyone else's mother emails them with bizarre and minute details of their days too! I don't feel so alone now!
- Hell's Kitchen. I know it's an old show, but I just got the first disk of the first season from Netflix, and it's hilarious. Gordon Ramsay is such a cantankerous meaniepants to those hapless fools! I love it! I especially love when he lights in to irritated customers who come to the kitchen to find out why they haven't been served anything for over an hour. Cracks my shit up. I'm sad that Dewberry got kicked off so soon, because he was my favorite whipping boy. Apparently he has a blog, though, so that's some consolation. Though it hasn't been updated since 2006.
- Large iced coffee from McDonald's. It's been a while since I've patronized a fast food establishment, so I'd forgotten that a McDonald's large is basically a bucket. I'm used to deli larges, which are reasonable serving sizes. So imagine my astonishment this morning when I ordered a large iced coffee and was handed a half gallon of caffeiney goodness for like a dollar! I drank the whole thing, and I'm REALLY WIRED right now!
Things I'm about to enjoy:
- Are You There Vodka? It's Me, Chelsea. What Judy Bloom would write if she were into booze, ecstasy, and sex with midgets. The author's writing style is snappy and fun. It sounds like a delightfully fluffy summer read, which will be a nice counterpoint to War and Peace, which I'm still wading through and will probably be wading through for months to come, because oh yeah, IT'S REALLY FUCKING LONG. Why read it? It's the Everest of books. I'm reading it because it's there and Tolstoy threw down this gauntlet to the world, and I'm not the sort to pass on brazen challenges like that. Besides, it's edifying and actually kind of interesting. But I wouldn't mind a side of fluff.
- Postcards From Yo Momma. OMG, everyone else's mother emails them with bizarre and minute details of their days too! I don't feel so alone now!
- Hell's Kitchen. I know it's an old show, but I just got the first disk of the first season from Netflix, and it's hilarious. Gordon Ramsay is such a cantankerous meaniepants to those hapless fools! I love it! I especially love when he lights in to irritated customers who come to the kitchen to find out why they haven't been served anything for over an hour. Cracks my shit up. I'm sad that Dewberry got kicked off so soon, because he was my favorite whipping boy. Apparently he has a blog, though, so that's some consolation. Though it hasn't been updated since 2006.
- Large iced coffee from McDonald's. It's been a while since I've patronized a fast food establishment, so I'd forgotten that a McDonald's large is basically a bucket. I'm used to deli larges, which are reasonable serving sizes. So imagine my astonishment this morning when I ordered a large iced coffee and was handed a half gallon of caffeiney goodness for like a dollar! I drank the whole thing, and I'm REALLY WIRED right now!
Things I'm about to enjoy:
- Are You There Vodka? It's Me, Chelsea. What Judy Bloom would write if she were into booze, ecstasy, and sex with midgets. The author's writing style is snappy and fun. It sounds like a delightfully fluffy summer read, which will be a nice counterpoint to War and Peace, which I'm still wading through and will probably be wading through for months to come, because oh yeah, IT'S REALLY FUCKING LONG. Why read it? It's the Everest of books. I'm reading it because it's there and Tolstoy threw down this gauntlet to the world, and I'm not the sort to pass on brazen challenges like that. Besides, it's edifying and actually kind of interesting. But I wouldn't mind a side of fluff.
Wednesday, May 21, 2008
fast fluff friends
My obsession with winning a luna shell in the fluff races has come to this: a list of fast fluff friends. These fluff friends have fph (fluffs per hour) over 10K, some over 20K, and there are even some over 30K. You can also use this as a fluff friends petting zoo, if you'd like!
You're allowed to race 20 fluff friends per hour, so I've broken these out into groups of 20.
Fast Fluff Group 1:
Lee Hong * bou bou * Douchebag * frog * bamboo * cuttie * Nen-nen * Giffy Jiffy Ziffy * Beebee * Gipoink * Milo * Ranger D' Red-Nosed Rudolf * Barebutt * Ted * Burrito * Mari-bou cari-bou * Buddy * Lil One * Lil Angel * mouseki
Fast Fluff Group 2:
Porkchop * snoozy * Petey * sparky-est * Sincapcop * Flipper * Rocco * Pjusken of Norway * Curio * I am the best huhuh * Jim * Reeno P * Chulo * Mitzi * the pest * ah gut * Carrie * Calliber * bunnybuns * Big Bird
Fast Fluff Group 3:
Bidik * Betty * Ben2 * Baby Puffy * BabyGirl * Gigale * Fluffy 2.0 * Fickle * Doggy * Dib * Cocoa Puff * Cirkeline * Chicky * Chacha * Charlie * Toby * Potter * Margido * Tig * Tannie
Fast Fluff Group 4:
Spock * Sigmma * pumpernaniel * orchid * nessie * Mystikal Blu * Mr. Bananas * monk-y * monkie * mokomoko * Mirko * Minuet II * kuni * JD * honey (bee) * Harvey * George * Cappy * Fred * Honey (wallaby)
Fast Fluff Group 5:
Buzzie and Squash Blossom * Tristou * Rasky and Family * Dragon * Chaton * sebastian * Mooshe * Noah * lovie * Snuffy * Lozen * Jadia * Kalamiti * Piggysushi * Kanga * Cow * Baileys * Ben * Siopao * Sir Poop-a-lot
Fast Fluff Group 6:
Wild Horse 2K * Lou-cheez * Mirko * Piggu Pink * Fluffball * BarbraMillicent Roberts * Bumble Bee Tuna * Buzzz * Tardy * Kaeru-le * Fruff Pup * Cody * Talli * Irie * Cinnamon * Dairy Queen * Waddles * Sid * Pokie * Loona
Fast Fluff Group 7:
Bunneh * Mini Mak * Cue T * marmut imut * Terpsichore * piopul pengy * Cica * Yuki * hamburger * Grogy si Kodok * Jumping Jack * Dora * Chip * Smagrod Yoinker * Mr. Yoinker * Buzlu * Little One * Ezekial * iPork Pudding * Purrr
Fast Fluff Group 8:
Rufus * Bob * Baby Bucketlicious * Peep * Bunny * FaeB * Gofi's Son * Suni Schnoonee * JP * e-nek * Pakica * Serenity, Buffy, Angelus * Carrie Bradshaw * Akira * jampit * kim u * BUCKLEY * Charlie * Bibi Dragon * prince
Fast Fluff Group 9:
Armani * Toto * Nica * Mozart von Picklebarrel * Sweety * Cointreaupolitan * Antonia * raradish * Violette * shi shi * Lord Squishnut * Gerry * Amelia Thermopolis * piku * Gorgor * prince2 * Swirl * Aarica * Aple Pie * Smaug
Fast Fluffs Group 10:
Gerard * Linus * Flopper3 * Mr. Piggy * Snowy * Inch * Wags * PatPat * Dragon Breath * Birdie * Kari * Fire Breather * Champ * Honey (bee) * Bouba * Bella * Pengi * Lil George!! * Mimi * Porkchop
Fast Fluffs Group 11:
cutiechu * Kang Kong * Fickle * Frank * Prince Jr. * Godzilla!!! * Lil Lam * Tigress Lily & Crimson * Wally * Starburst * Eli * Nalik * Tigergutt * Shadowlight * Trigo * Flipper * couscous * waddles * waddles (penguin) * RAWR
Fast Fluffs Group 12:
Dragon Warrioress * Phoenix * George * Lucio & Emmanuel * Nihonjin no Raddu * Spanky * Jazz & Arcadia * cookieez * Big Bear Cat * Walt * elly * Mr. Piggy * Smaug Jr. * Ourson * Xuaphie * Purple SuperTux * Hedwig * Moonlight * 9TailFoxy * Milky
Fast Fluffs Group 13:
Smiling Angel * Squeaky * Milky * Messiah * Davey * Snuffy * BabyGirl * Vixen * Tig * Porkchop * Saxbjorn Senior * Mooie * Rafa * Jumping Jack * Rhea * Luthien Tinuviel * Midnite Glory * Boomerang * Lovie * Nica * Tiggy
Is your fluff fast? Want to add it to this list? Leave a comment.
You're allowed to race 20 fluff friends per hour, so I've broken these out into groups of 20.
Fast Fluff Group 1:
Lee Hong * bou bou * Douchebag * frog * bamboo * cuttie * Nen-nen * Giffy Jiffy Ziffy * Beebee * Gipoink * Milo * Ranger D' Red-Nosed Rudolf * Barebutt * Ted * Burrito * Mari-bou cari-bou * Buddy * Lil One * Lil Angel * mouseki
Fast Fluff Group 2:
Porkchop * snoozy * Petey * sparky-est * Sincapcop * Flipper * Rocco * Pjusken of Norway * Curio * I am the best huhuh * Jim * Reeno P * Chulo * Mitzi * the pest * ah gut * Carrie * Calliber * bunnybuns * Big Bird
Fast Fluff Group 3:
Bidik * Betty * Ben2 * Baby Puffy * BabyGirl * Gigale * Fluffy 2.0 * Fickle * Doggy * Dib * Cocoa Puff * Cirkeline * Chicky * Chacha * Charlie * Toby * Potter * Margido * Tig * Tannie
Fast Fluff Group 4:
Spock * Sigmma * pumpernaniel * orchid * nessie * Mystikal Blu * Mr. Bananas * monk-y * monkie * mokomoko * Mirko * Minuet II * kuni * JD * honey (bee) * Harvey * George * Cappy * Fred * Honey (wallaby)
Fast Fluff Group 5:
Buzzie and Squash Blossom * Tristou * Rasky and Family * Dragon * Chaton * sebastian * Mooshe * Noah * lovie * Snuffy * Lozen * Jadia * Kalamiti * Piggysushi * Kanga * Cow * Baileys * Ben * Siopao * Sir Poop-a-lot
Fast Fluff Group 6:
Wild Horse 2K * Lou-cheez * Mirko * Piggu Pink * Fluffball * BarbraMillicent Roberts * Bumble Bee Tuna * Buzzz * Tardy * Kaeru-le * Fruff Pup * Cody * Talli * Irie * Cinnamon * Dairy Queen * Waddles * Sid * Pokie * Loona
Fast Fluff Group 7:
Bunneh * Mini Mak * Cue T * marmut imut * Terpsichore * piopul pengy * Cica * Yuki * hamburger * Grogy si Kodok * Jumping Jack * Dora * Chip * Smagrod Yoinker * Mr. Yoinker * Buzlu * Little One * Ezekial * iPork Pudding * Purrr
Fast Fluff Group 8:
Rufus * Bob * Baby Bucketlicious * Peep * Bunny * FaeB * Gofi's Son * Suni Schnoonee * JP * e-nek * Pakica * Serenity, Buffy, Angelus * Carrie Bradshaw * Akira * jampit * kim u * BUCKLEY * Charlie * Bibi Dragon * prince
Fast Fluff Group 9:
Armani * Toto * Nica * Mozart von Picklebarrel * Sweety * Cointreaupolitan * Antonia * raradish * Violette * shi shi * Lord Squishnut * Gerry * Amelia Thermopolis * piku * Gorgor * prince2 * Swirl * Aarica * Aple Pie * Smaug
Fast Fluffs Group 10:
Gerard * Linus * Flopper3 * Mr. Piggy * Snowy * Inch * Wags * PatPat * Dragon Breath * Birdie * Kari * Fire Breather * Champ * Honey (bee) * Bouba * Bella * Pengi * Lil George!! * Mimi * Porkchop
Fast Fluffs Group 11:
cutiechu * Kang Kong * Fickle * Frank * Prince Jr. * Godzilla!!! * Lil Lam * Tigress Lily & Crimson * Wally * Starburst * Eli * Nalik * Tigergutt * Shadowlight * Trigo * Flipper * couscous * waddles * waddles (penguin) * RAWR
Fast Fluffs Group 12:
Dragon Warrioress * Phoenix * George * Lucio & Emmanuel * Nihonjin no Raddu * Spanky * Jazz & Arcadia * cookieez * Big Bear Cat * Walt * elly * Mr. Piggy * Smaug Jr. * Ourson * Xuaphie * Purple SuperTux * Hedwig * Moonlight * 9TailFoxy * Milky
Fast Fluffs Group 13:
Smiling Angel * Squeaky * Milky * Messiah * Davey * Snuffy * BabyGirl * Vixen * Tig * Porkchop * Saxbjorn Senior * Mooie * Rafa * Jumping Jack * Rhea * Luthien Tinuviel * Midnite Glory * Boomerang * Lovie * Nica * Tiggy
Is your fluff fast? Want to add it to this list? Leave a comment.
Tuesday, April 15, 2008
food that stays in the shape of its container
I think the frozen vegetables and the stacked pineapple slices are cheating, but it's a neat photo series. What about a stack of Pringles? Or a bag of brown sugar? [link]
Friday, March 28, 2008
I have so many stories about Hawaii, but only so much time and inclination to tell them. So bear with me if I'm still telling stories a month from now.
Right before I left, I got a nasty kidney infection that my doctor thought might've been appendicitis (it wasn't, thankfully). She was concerned about me, so she gave me IV antibiotics right there in the office. It was the first time I'd ever had an IV, and it was ok. They had a student nurse trying to set it up, and she jabbed my arm about a million times before finally finding the vein. That was fun. Then the doc put me on Cipro 500 mg, which the internet revealed to be the same antibiotic and dosage they prescribe for people who've been EXPOSED TO ANTHRAX. Yiiiikes. It's a heavy duty germ killer. It tore up my stomach unless I took it with food, and I wasn't allowed to consume any diary at all, because lactose is Cipro kryptonite. Anyway, it knocked out my fever and symptoms in a few days. Now that I'm done with the cycle, I've been eating crazy amounts of yogurt to try to rebuild the friendly bacteria colonies that were wiped out in the Cipro scorched earth regime.
Before I forget to tell you, I was on the same plane from Chicago to San Francisco as Dave Chappelle, just a few rows infront of him. He showed up at the gate just before boarding began, and I'm pretty sure I'm the only person who recognized him other than the stewardess (who had a heads-up that he'd be a passenger). He was in line and I made eye contact with him. I was in the throes of a high fever (the antibiotics hadn't kicked in yet), so I was a little addled and stared a little longer than I normally would. He could tell I recognized him, and he smiled and then put on sunglasses. None of the people around us (all older white folks) took the slightest notice of him. Then, when he got on the plane, he took out a blanket and all but covered his head with it - presumably to avoid detection by more of his fever-addled public.
In Hawaii, all time zones are the same.
In the Honolulu airport, as in many airports, there's a wall of clocks designed to represent the current time in cities around the world. But the person responsible for maintaining these clocks is totally unconcerned with trifling details like time zones. Of course it's the same time in Oslo as it is in Tokyo! I lolled and lolled.
The Spouting Horn
There's a lava shelf on Kauai. The surf flows underneath it and bursts up in a geyser of salty spray with each wave.
Houses on stilts
There are a lot of houses on stilts. These guys know what's up with typoons.
Spelunking and obvious tourists
This is at the mouth of a cave that we explored (sans guide). Please observe my dad's awesome Chevy Chase / National Lampoons vacation wear and my Mom's awesome hat. There was no way we were going to be able to escape being immediately pegged as tourists.
Fruity drinks
Yes. There were many of these. This one was a mango margarita.
This one was a "Lava Flow" - half strawberry daiquiri and half piña colada. So decadent.
Scary beach warning signs
Hula lesson on a boat
I took a hula lesson from this chick on a boat trip to Fern Grotto (a place only accessible by boat, and full of many wonderful plants but curiously few ferns).
Hiking around Waimea Canyon
We drove up a stomach-turningly twisty road for an hour to get to Waimea Canyon, the Grand Canyon of Hawaii. It was misty and foggy, but pleasantly cool.
Brother pointing out a waterfall on the other side of the canyon that he hiked to on a previous trip. I missed the first time they pointed in unison and made them strike the pose again (hence the goofy grins, as they were laughing at me).
Then they did this. Wiseacres.
This graffiti in the canyon facilities made me giggle, as did this sign.
After the canyon, we went a bit further to the beginning of the Na Pali Coast and its famous cliffs. Hiking here was a little scary, because the cliffs had really steep drop-offs. If you fall off one, you're pretty much toast.
This was in a museum/park ranger station somewhere along the road. December plums, indeed.
Obligatory sandy-foot beach photo
These dudes would wait for a good-looking wave to roll up, then race towards it and flop down on their little boards and do incredible flips into the air. This went on for about three hours. Also, Hawaiians really do flash the "hang loose" hand sign (the shaka) at each other, but minus the waggling and with the wrist rotated so the thumb points up and the pinky points towards the person being greeted.
I got lei'd by my brother / Nick's car
Because he's a copycat, Nick peeled this sign off of an airplane seat and stuck it on his glove compartment. I've done that with every car I've ever owned (all two of them). He says that some of his passengers ask him all seriousness if he has a life vest under the seat. He always says yes.
Airports and planes
GROSS. There was a nest of hair trapped between the inner and outer windows on my plane from Oahu to Kauai. Luckily it's a short flight.
Chandelier made of shells
One of many rainbows
My brother and his boat
The stairs to get from one level of the ship to another are crazysteep. They're more like ladders than stairs. I can't imagine trying to climb up or down one when the ship is rolling in major waves (which it usually is).
In the mess hall, the chairs have little ropes that you attach to the table. This is so that your chair doesn't move too far from your food when you're on the high seas. And the surface of the table is covered with super-grippy anti-slide stuff to help keep your plate from going too far. My brother says that you always have to hold your glass to keep it steady, and you generally try to eat as quickly as possible.
Right before I left, I got a nasty kidney infection that my doctor thought might've been appendicitis (it wasn't, thankfully). She was concerned about me, so she gave me IV antibiotics right there in the office. It was the first time I'd ever had an IV, and it was ok. They had a student nurse trying to set it up, and she jabbed my arm about a million times before finally finding the vein. That was fun. Then the doc put me on Cipro 500 mg, which the internet revealed to be the same antibiotic and dosage they prescribe for people who've been EXPOSED TO ANTHRAX. Yiiiikes. It's a heavy duty germ killer. It tore up my stomach unless I took it with food, and I wasn't allowed to consume any diary at all, because lactose is Cipro kryptonite. Anyway, it knocked out my fever and symptoms in a few days. Now that I'm done with the cycle, I've been eating crazy amounts of yogurt to try to rebuild the friendly bacteria colonies that were wiped out in the Cipro scorched earth regime.
Before I forget to tell you, I was on the same plane from Chicago to San Francisco as Dave Chappelle, just a few rows infront of him. He showed up at the gate just before boarding began, and I'm pretty sure I'm the only person who recognized him other than the stewardess (who had a heads-up that he'd be a passenger). He was in line and I made eye contact with him. I was in the throes of a high fever (the antibiotics hadn't kicked in yet), so I was a little addled and stared a little longer than I normally would. He could tell I recognized him, and he smiled and then put on sunglasses. None of the people around us (all older white folks) took the slightest notice of him. Then, when he got on the plane, he took out a blanket and all but covered his head with it - presumably to avoid detection by more of his fever-addled public.
In Hawaii, all time zones are the same.
In the Honolulu airport, as in many airports, there's a wall of clocks designed to represent the current time in cities around the world. But the person responsible for maintaining these clocks is totally unconcerned with trifling details like time zones. Of course it's the same time in Oslo as it is in Tokyo! I lolled and lolled.
The Spouting Horn
There's a lava shelf on Kauai. The surf flows underneath it and bursts up in a geyser of salty spray with each wave.
Houses on stilts
There are a lot of houses on stilts. These guys know what's up with typoons.
Spelunking and obvious tourists
This is at the mouth of a cave that we explored (sans guide). Please observe my dad's awesome Chevy Chase / National Lampoons vacation wear and my Mom's awesome hat. There was no way we were going to be able to escape being immediately pegged as tourists.
Fruity drinks
Yes. There were many of these. This one was a mango margarita.
This one was a "Lava Flow" - half strawberry daiquiri and half piña colada. So decadent.
Scary beach warning signs
Hula lesson on a boat
I took a hula lesson from this chick on a boat trip to Fern Grotto (a place only accessible by boat, and full of many wonderful plants but curiously few ferns).
Hiking around Waimea Canyon
We drove up a stomach-turningly twisty road for an hour to get to Waimea Canyon, the Grand Canyon of Hawaii. It was misty and foggy, but pleasantly cool.
Brother pointing out a waterfall on the other side of the canyon that he hiked to on a previous trip. I missed the first time they pointed in unison and made them strike the pose again (hence the goofy grins, as they were laughing at me).
Then they did this. Wiseacres.
This graffiti in the canyon facilities made me giggle, as did this sign.
After the canyon, we went a bit further to the beginning of the Na Pali Coast and its famous cliffs. Hiking here was a little scary, because the cliffs had really steep drop-offs. If you fall off one, you're pretty much toast.
This was in a museum/park ranger station somewhere along the road. December plums, indeed.
Obligatory sandy-foot beach photo
These dudes would wait for a good-looking wave to roll up, then race towards it and flop down on their little boards and do incredible flips into the air. This went on for about three hours. Also, Hawaiians really do flash the "hang loose" hand sign (the shaka) at each other, but minus the waggling and with the wrist rotated so the thumb points up and the pinky points towards the person being greeted.
I got lei'd by my brother / Nick's car
Because he's a copycat, Nick peeled this sign off of an airplane seat and stuck it on his glove compartment. I've done that with every car I've ever owned (all two of them). He says that some of his passengers ask him all seriousness if he has a life vest under the seat. He always says yes.
Airports and planes
GROSS. There was a nest of hair trapped between the inner and outer windows on my plane from Oahu to Kauai. Luckily it's a short flight.
Chandelier made of shells
One of many rainbows
My brother and his boat
The stairs to get from one level of the ship to another are crazysteep. They're more like ladders than stairs. I can't imagine trying to climb up or down one when the ship is rolling in major waves (which it usually is).
In the mess hall, the chairs have little ropes that you attach to the table. This is so that your chair doesn't move too far from your food when you're on the high seas. And the surface of the table is covered with super-grippy anti-slide stuff to help keep your plate from going too far. My brother says that you always have to hold your glass to keep it steady, and you generally try to eat as quickly as possible.
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