Hamlet: Facebook News Feed Edition by McSweeney's
Horatio thinks he saw a ghost.
Hamlet thinks it's annoying when your uncle marries your mother right after your dad dies.
The king thinks Hamlet's annoying.
Laertes thinks Ophelia can do better.
Hamlet's father is now a zombie.
- - - -
The king poked the queen.
The queen poked the king back.
Hamlet and the queen are no longer friends.
Marcellus is pretty sure something's rotten around here.
Hamlet became a fan of daggers.
- - - -
Polonius says Hamlet's crazy ... crazy in love!
Rosencrantz, Guildenstern, and Hamlet are now friends.
Hamlet wonders if he should continue to exist. Or not.
Hamlet thinks Ophelia might be happier in a convent.
Ophelia removed "moody princes" from her interests.
Hamlet posted an event: A Play That's Totally Fictional and In No Way About My Family
The king commented on Hamlet's play: "What is wrong with you?"
Polonius thinks this curtain looks like a good thing to hide behind.
Polonius is no longer online.
- - - -
Hamlet added England to the Places I've Been application.
The queen is worried about Ophelia.
Ophelia loves flowers. Flowers flowers flowers flowers flowers. Oh, look, a river.
Ophelia joined the group Maidens Who Don't Float.
Laertes wonders what the hell happened while he was gone.
- - - -
The king sent Hamlet a goblet of wine.
The queen likes wine!
The king likes ... oh crap.
The queen, the king, Laertes, and Hamlet are now zombies.
Horatio says well that was tragic.
Fortinbras, Prince of Norway, says yes, tragic. We'll take it from here.
Denmark is now Norwegian.
Thursday, August 14, 2008
Hilter rants about how Twitter is always broken
"And that stupid fail whale!"
"Didn't they just get $15 million in VC funding?"
"Sir, why don't you give Tumblr a try?"
"Tumblr?! Do I look like I'm wearing a goddamned dress?"
We bought a tub of vanilla ice cream with swirls of caramel and little nuggets of peanut butter and chocolate. I can't remember the brand, and it's too much of a bother to go to the freezer to check it out, but for some weird reason, the ice cream marketing department decided to call it Bunny Trail.
For dessert the other night, I pulled out two bowls and two spoons and started scooping out ice cream with my spoon for the two of us. Little did I know that Frank has a VERY IMPORTANT ice cream ritual, which involves running an ancient ice cream scooper under hot water and scooping out perfect little balls of ice cream.
"WHAT ARE YOU DOING??" he exclaimed. "You're flippantly flopping ice cream everywhere!! Stop that!"
"Oh?" I giggled, "Flippantly flopping down the Bunny Trail?"
Really. I couldn't make this shit up if I tried.
For dessert the other night, I pulled out two bowls and two spoons and started scooping out ice cream with my spoon for the two of us. Little did I know that Frank has a VERY IMPORTANT ice cream ritual, which involves running an ancient ice cream scooper under hot water and scooping out perfect little balls of ice cream.
"WHAT ARE YOU DOING??" he exclaimed. "You're flippantly flopping ice cream everywhere!! Stop that!"
"Oh?" I giggled, "Flippantly flopping down the Bunny Trail?"
Really. I couldn't make this shit up if I tried.
Amazing Jack Black facts
Did you know that Jack Black and Giovanni Ribisi were in the same episode of the X-Files during its third season? It's true. Scully grills Jack Black. It's kind of awesome.
Amazing hippo facts
Hippos have been clocked at 30 mph (48 km/h) while running short distances, faster than an Olympic sprinter.
Their specific gravity allows them to sink and walk or run along the bottom of a river.
For additional protection from the sun, their skin secretes a natural sunscreen substance which is red-colored. The secretion is sometimes referred to as "blood sweat," but is neither blood nor sweat.
In Colombia, Pablo Escobar maintained four hippos in a private menagerie at his residence in Hacienda Napoles, 100 km east of Medellín, after purchasing them in New Orleans. They were deemed too difficult to seize and move after the fall of Escobar, and hence left on the untended estate. By 2007, the animals had multiplied to 16 individuals and taken to roaming the area for food.
Adult hippos can't actually swim and are not generally buoyant. When in deep water, they usually propel themselves by leaps, pushing off from the bottom. Young hippos are buoyant and more often move by swimming—propelling themselves with kicks of their back legs.
Hippos attack humans and boats. Steve Irwin, who used to toy with crocodiles for fun, considered a five-minute sequence crossing a river filled with a hippos to be the most dangerous thing he ever filmed.
The Discovery Channel recently broadcast footage of a hippo eating a wildebeest. The hippo first pushed two crocodiles out of its way with its gigantic snout to get to the wildebeest; the crocodiles put up no resistance at all.
A park ranger in Africa recently sprinted over a hundred yards to survive a hippo attack.
To mark territory, hippos spin their tails while defecating to distribute their excrement over the greatest possible area.
Their specific gravity allows them to sink and walk or run along the bottom of a river.
For additional protection from the sun, their skin secretes a natural sunscreen substance which is red-colored. The secretion is sometimes referred to as "blood sweat," but is neither blood nor sweat.
In Colombia, Pablo Escobar maintained four hippos in a private menagerie at his residence in Hacienda Napoles, 100 km east of Medellín, after purchasing them in New Orleans. They were deemed too difficult to seize and move after the fall of Escobar, and hence left on the untended estate. By 2007, the animals had multiplied to 16 individuals and taken to roaming the area for food.
Adult hippos can't actually swim and are not generally buoyant. When in deep water, they usually propel themselves by leaps, pushing off from the bottom. Young hippos are buoyant and more often move by swimming—propelling themselves with kicks of their back legs.
Hippos attack humans and boats. Steve Irwin, who used to toy with crocodiles for fun, considered a five-minute sequence crossing a river filled with a hippos to be the most dangerous thing he ever filmed.
The Discovery Channel recently broadcast footage of a hippo eating a wildebeest. The hippo first pushed two crocodiles out of its way with its gigantic snout to get to the wildebeest; the crocodiles put up no resistance at all.
A park ranger in Africa recently sprinted over a hundred yards to survive a hippo attack.
To mark territory, hippos spin their tails while defecating to distribute their excrement over the greatest possible area.
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