Hail Andrea, Full of Grapes!

2008-08-14T08:34:00.001-05:00

Hamlet: Facebook News Feed Edition by McSweeney's

Horatio thinks he saw a ghost.

Hamlet thinks it's annoying when your uncle marries your mother right after your dad dies.

The king thinks Hamlet's annoying.

Laertes thinks Ophelia can do better.

Hamlet's father is now a zombie.

- - - -

The king poked the queen.

The queen poked the king back.

Hamlet and the queen are no longer friends.

Marcellus is pretty sure something's rotten around here.

Hamlet became a fan of daggers.

- - - -

Polonius says Hamlet's crazy ... crazy in love!

Rosencrantz, Guildenstern, and Hamlet are now friends.

Hamlet wonders if he should continue to exist. Or not.

Hamlet thinks Ophelia might be happier in a convent.

Ophelia removed "moody princes" from her interests.

Hamlet posted an event: A Play That's Totally Fictional and In No Way About My Family

The king commented on Hamlet's play: "What is wrong with you?"

Polonius thinks this curtain looks like a good thing to hide behind.

Polonius is no longer online.

- - - -

Hamlet added England to the Places I've Been application.

The queen is worried about Ophelia.

Ophelia loves flowers. Flowers flowers flowers flowers flowers. Oh, look, a river.

Ophelia joined the group Maidens Who Don't Float.

Laertes wonders what the hell happened while he was gone.

- - - -

The king sent Hamlet a goblet of wine.

The queen likes wine!

The king likes ... oh crap.

The queen, the king, Laertes, and Hamlet are now zombies.

Horatio says well that was tragic.

Fortinbras, Prince of Norway, says yes, tragic. We'll take it from here.

Denmark is now Norwegian.

2008-08-14T08:33:00.001-05:00

see more dog pictures

Hilter rants about how Twitter is always broken

2008-08-14T08:32:00.001-05:00

"And that stupid fail whale!"

"Didn't they just get $15 million in VC funding?"

"Sir, why don't you give Tumblr a try?"
"Tumblr?! Do I look like I'm wearing a goddamned dress?"

2008-08-14T08:31:00.001-05:00

We bought a tub of vanilla ice cream with swirls of caramel and little nuggets of peanut butter and chocolate. I can't remember the brand, and it's too much of a bother to go to the freezer to check it out, but for some weird reason, the ice cream marketing department decided to call it Bunny Trail.

For dessert the other night, I pulled out two bowls and two spoons and started scooping out ice cream with my spoon for the two of us. Little did I know that Frank has a VERY IMPORTANT ice cream ritual, which involves running an ancient ice cream scooper under hot water and scooping out perfect little balls of ice cream.

"WHAT ARE YOU DOING??" he exclaimed. "You're flippantly flopping ice cream everywhere!! Stop that!"

"Oh?" I giggled, "Flippantly flopping down the Bunny Trail?"

Really. I couldn't make this shit up if I tried.

Amazing Jack Black facts

2008-08-14T08:30:00.003-05:00

Did you know that Jack Black and Giovanni Ribisi were in the same episode of the X-Files during its third season? It's true. Scully grills Jack Black. It's kind of awesome.

Amazing hippo facts

2008-08-14T08:30:00.001-05:00

Hippos have been clocked at 30 mph (48 km/h) while running short distances, faster than an Olympic sprinter.

Their specific gravity allows them to sink and walk or run along the bottom of a river.

For additional protection from the sun, their skin secretes a natural sunscreen substance which is red-colored. The secretion is sometimes referred to as "blood sweat," but is neither blood nor sweat.

In Colombia, Pablo Escobar maintained four hippos in a private menagerie at his residence in Hacienda Napoles, 100 km east of Medellín, after purchasing them in New Orleans. They were deemed too difficult to seize and move after the fall of Escobar, and hence left on the untended estate. By 2007, the animals had multiplied to 16 individuals and taken to roaming the area for food.

Adult hippos can't actually swim and are not generally buoyant. When in deep water, they usually propel themselves by leaps, pushing off from the bottom. Young hippos are buoyant and more often move by swimming—propelling themselves with kicks of their back legs.

Hippos attack humans and boats. Steve Irwin, who used to toy with crocodiles for fun, considered a five-minute sequence crossing a river filled with a hippos to be the most dangerous thing he ever filmed.

The Discovery Channel recently broadcast footage of a hippo eating a wildebeest. The hippo first pushed two crocodiles out of its way with its gigantic snout to get to the wildebeest; the crocodiles put up no resistance at all.

A park ranger in Africa recently sprinted over a hundred yards to survive a hippo attack.

To mark territory, hippos spin their tails while defecating to distribute their excrement over the greatest possible area.

2008-08-14T08:28:00.001-05:00

I got an email from drugstore.com, saying that because I placed my first order with them four years ago today, they're giving me 15% off any orders I place today. So, I was poking around to see if they had any particularly good deals, and in their sale section I found this:

My work here is done.

Ross-Simons customer service is dreadful

2008-07-23T12:52:00.000-05:00

I've just had the most frustrating customer service experience with Ross-Simons, which is a shame, because it's actually my first customer service experience with them.

A month ago, I was given a gift (Multicolored Cultured Pearl and Multi-Gem Necklace in Sterling Silver, item #216594). It wasn't quite what I wanted, so I found a necklace I liked (Sterling Silver Graduated Bead Necklance, item #239497) and decided to make an exchange. The multicolored pearl necklace was selling on the Ross-Simons website for $60 (and still is, at the time of this letter), and the silver bead necklace was selling for $105. I assumed that I would pay somewhere around $50 ($105 purchase price - $65 merchandise credit = $40 + s&h + tax) for the silver bead necklace.

Imagine my surprise when the necklace arrived with a statement that said I had been charged $90! I assumed this was a mistake, and while I wasn't impressed with the shipping/billing error, I was willing to put in the time to call and rectify the situation. That's when the fun started.

According to the two customer service representatives I spoke to (first one, then her manager), because the gift giver purchased the multicolored pearl necklace during a 3-for-$45 special in December 2007, the multicolored pearl necklace was only worth $15 (even though it's currently selling on the website for $60), and that's all I was credited. It's Ross-Simons policy, apparently.

This policy makes no sense, and it's certainly not a policy that's adopted by companies who wish to keep their customers happy. If you receive an item as a gift, and you want to return that gift for merchandise credit, you should receive merchandise credit for the amount it's selling for right now. What the gift giver paid for it is irrelevant.

Why my gift, which I received without a receipt or order number, was associated with the original purchase price is beyond me. It makes Ross-Simons look like they're trying to weasel out of taking $40 off my bill. For a company whose 2007 sales reached $166,000,000, I'm amazed that a first-time customer is being cheated out of the paltry sum of $40, and that the customer service manager didn't refund me the $40 in order to keep me happy. I even told her that if she didn't refund the money, I would be very unhappy and Ross-Simons would lose a customer. That didn't sway her, and I was denied the refund.

There are hundreds of jewelry retailers in the market, and if no action is taken on this complaint, it will ensure that my future business - and that of my friends, family, coworkers, blog readers, and casual acquaintances - will be taken elsewhere. A favorable outcome - the refund of $40 to my credit card - will satisfy me.

2008-06-23T13:57:00.003-05:00

This article about Lesch-Nyhan syndrome is fascinating. I had no idea such a thing existed.

2008-06-23T13:57:00.001-05:00

Thermodynamics is one big buzzkill, continually limiting our soaring technological aspirations with its pesky scientific fine print. Small wonder the physicists occasionally refer to them as the laws of "thermogoddamnics."
- Jennifer Ouellette, The Physics of the Buffyverse

2008-06-23T13:54:00.001-05:00

Things I've really been enjoying:
- Postcards From Yo Momma. OMG, everyone else's mother emails them with bizarre and minute details of their days too! I don't feel so alone now!
- Hell's Kitchen. I know it's an old show, but I just got the first disk of the first season from Netflix, and it's hilarious. Gordon Ramsay is such a cantankerous meaniepants to those hapless fools! I love it! I especially love when he lights in to irritated customers who come to the kitchen to find out why they haven't been served anything for over an hour. Cracks my shit up. I'm sad that Dewberry got kicked off so soon, because he was my favorite whipping boy. Apparently he has a blog, though, so that's some consolation. Though it hasn't been updated since 2006.
- Large iced coffee from McDonald's. It's been a while since I've patronized a fast food establishment, so I'd forgotten that a McDonald's large is basically a bucket. I'm used to deli larges, which are reasonable serving sizes. So imagine my astonishment this morning when I ordered a large iced coffee and was handed a half gallon of caffeiney goodness for like a dollar! I drank the whole thing, and I'm REALLY WIRED right now!

Things I'm about to enjoy:
- Are You There Vodka? It's Me, Chelsea. What Judy Bloom would write if she were into booze, ecstasy, and sex with midgets. The author's writing style is snappy and fun. It sounds like a delightfully fluffy summer read, which will be a nice counterpoint to War and Peace, which I'm still wading through and will probably be wading through for months to come, because oh yeah, IT'S REALLY FUCKING LONG. Why read it? It's the Everest of books. I'm reading it because it's there and Tolstoy threw down this gauntlet to the world, and I'm not the sort to pass on brazen challenges like that. Besides, it's edifying and actually kind of interesting. But I wouldn't mind a side of fluff.

fast fluff friends

2008-05-21T13:35:00.013-05:00

My obsession with winning a luna shell in the fluff races has come to this: a list of fast fluff friends. These fluff friends have fph (fluffs per hour) over 10K, some over 20K, and there are even some over 30K. You can also use this as a fluff friends petting zoo, if you'd like!

You're allowed to race 20 fluff friends per hour, so I've broken these out into groups of 20.

Fast Fluff Group 1:
Lee Hong * bou bou * Douchebag * frog * bamboo * cuttie * Nen-nen * Giffy Jiffy Ziffy * Beebee * Gipoink * Milo * Ranger D' Red-Nosed Rudolf * Barebutt * Ted * Burrito * Mari-bou cari-bou * Buddy * Lil One * Lil Angel * mouseki

Fast Fluff Group 2:
Porkchop * snoozy * Petey * sparky-est * Sincapcop * Flipper * Rocco * Pjusken of Norway * Curio * I am the best huhuh * Jim * Reeno P * Chulo * Mitzi * the pest * ah gut * Carrie * Calliber * bunnybuns * Big Bird

Fast Fluff Group 3:
Bidik * Betty * Ben2 * Baby Puffy * BabyGirl * Gigale * Fluffy 2.0 * Fickle * Doggy * Dib * Cocoa Puff * Cirkeline * Chicky * Chacha * Charlie * Toby * Potter * Margido * Tig * Tannie

Fast Fluff Group 4:
Spock * Sigmma * pumpernaniel * orchid * nessie * Mystikal Blu * Mr. Bananas * monk-y * monkie * mokomoko * Mirko * Minuet II * kuni * JD * honey (bee) * Harvey * George * Cappy * Fred * Honey (wallaby)

Fast Fluff Group 5:
Buzzie and Squash Blossom * Tristou * Rasky and Family * Dragon * Chaton * sebastian * Mooshe * Noah * lovie * Snuffy * Lozen * Jadia * Kalamiti * Piggysushi * Kanga * Cow * Baileys * Ben * Siopao * Sir Poop-a-lot

Fast Fluff Group 6:
Wild Horse 2K * Lou-cheez * Mirko * Piggu Pink * Fluffball * BarbraMillicent Roberts * Bumble Bee Tuna * Buzzz * Tardy * Kaeru-le * Fruff Pup * Cody * Talli * Irie * Cinnamon * Dairy Queen * Waddles * Sid * Pokie * Loona

Fast Fluff Group 7:
Bunneh * Mini Mak * Cue T * marmut imut * Terpsichore * piopul pengy * Cica * Yuki * hamburger * Grogy si Kodok * Jumping Jack * Dora * Chip * Smagrod Yoinker * Mr. Yoinker * Buzlu * Little One * Ezekial * iPork Pudding * Purrr

Fast Fluff Group 8:
Rufus * Bob * Baby Bucketlicious * Peep * Bunny * FaeB * Gofi's Son * Suni Schnoonee * JP * e-nek * Pakica * Serenity, Buffy, Angelus * Carrie Bradshaw * Akira * jampit * kim u * BUCKLEY * Charlie * Bibi Dragon * prince

Fast Fluff Group 9:
Armani * Toto * Nica * Mozart von Picklebarrel * Sweety * Cointreaupolitan * Antonia * raradish * Violette * shi shi * Lord Squishnut * Gerry * Amelia Thermopolis * piku * Gorgor * prince2 * Swirl * Aarica * Aple Pie * Smaug

Fast Fluffs Group 10:
Gerard * Linus * Flopper3 * Mr. Piggy * Snowy * Inch * Wags * PatPat * Dragon Breath * Birdie * Kari * Fire Breather * Champ * Honey (bee) * Bouba * Bella * Pengi * Lil George!! * Mimi * Porkchop

Fast Fluffs Group 11:
cutiechu * Kang Kong * Fickle * Frank * Prince Jr. * Godzilla!!! * Lil Lam * Tigress Lily & Crimson * Wally * Starburst * Eli * Nalik * Tigergutt * Shadowlight * Trigo * Flipper * couscous * waddles * waddles (penguin) * RAWR

Fast Fluffs Group 12:
Dragon Warrioress * Phoenix * George * Lucio & Emmanuel * Nihonjin no Raddu * Spanky * Jazz & Arcadia * cookieez * Big Bear Cat * Walt * elly * Mr. Piggy * Smaug Jr. * Ourson * Xuaphie * Purple SuperTux * Hedwig * Moonlight * 9TailFoxy * Milky

Fast Fluffs Group 13:
Smiling Angel * Squeaky * Milky * Messiah * Davey * Snuffy * BabyGirl * Vixen * Tig * Porkchop * Saxbjorn Senior * Mooie * Rafa * Jumping Jack * Rhea * Luthien Tinuviel * Midnite Glory * Boomerang * Lovie * Nica * Tiggy

Is your fluff fast? Want to add it to this list? Leave a comment.

food that stays in the shape of its container

2008-04-15T12:57:00.002-05:00

I think the frozen vegetables and the stacked pineapple slices are cheating, but it's a neat photo series. What about a stack of Pringles? Or a bag of brown sugar? [link]

2008-03-28T15:02:00.001-05:00

I have so many stories about Hawaii, but only so much time and inclination to tell them. So bear with me if I'm still telling stories a month from now.

Right before I left, I got a nasty kidney infection that my doctor thought might've been appendicitis (it wasn't, thankfully). She was concerned about me, so she gave me IV antibiotics right there in the office. It was the first time I'd ever had an IV, and it was ok. They had a student nurse trying to set it up, and she jabbed my arm about a million times before finally finding the vein. That was fun. Then the doc put me on Cipro 500 mg, which the internet revealed to be the same antibiotic and dosage they prescribe for people who've been EXPOSED TO ANTHRAX. Yiiiikes. It's a heavy duty germ killer. It tore up my stomach unless I took it with food, and I wasn't allowed to consume any diary at all, because lactose is Cipro kryptonite. Anyway, it knocked out my fever and symptoms in a few days. Now that I'm done with the cycle, I've been eating crazy amounts of yogurt to try to rebuild the friendly bacteria colonies that were wiped out in the Cipro scorched earth regime.

Before I forget to tell you, I was on the same plane from Chicago to San Francisco as Dave Chappelle, just a few rows infront of him. He showed up at the gate just before boarding began, and I'm pretty sure I'm the only person who recognized him other than the stewardess (who had a heads-up that he'd be a passenger). He was in line and I made eye contact with him. I was in the throes of a high fever (the antibiotics hadn't kicked in yet), so I was a little addled and stared a little longer than I normally would. He could tell I recognized him, and he smiled and then put on sunglasses. None of the people around us (all older white folks) took the slightest notice of him. Then, when he got on the plane, he took out a blanket and all but covered his head with it - presumably to avoid detection by more of his fever-addled public.

In Hawaii, all time zones are the same.
In the Honolulu airport, as in many airports, there's a wall of clocks designed to represent the current time in cities around the world. But the person responsible for maintaining these clocks is totally unconcerned with trifling details like time zones. Of course it's the same time in Oslo as it is in Tokyo! I lolled and lolled.

The Spouting Horn
There's a lava shelf on Kauai. The surf flows underneath it and bursts up in a geyser of salty spray with each wave.

Houses on stilts
There are a lot of houses on stilts. These guys know what's up with typoons.

Spelunking and obvious tourists
This is at the mouth of a cave that we explored (sans guide). Please observe my dad's awesome Chevy Chase / National Lampoons vacation wear and my Mom's awesome hat. There was no way we were going to be able to escape being immediately pegged as tourists.

Fruity drinks
Yes. There were many of these. This one was a mango margarita.

This one was a "Lava Flow" - half strawberry daiquiri and half piña colada. So decadent.

Scary beach warning signs

Hula lesson on a boat
I took a hula lesson from this chick on a boat trip to Fern Grotto (a place only accessible by boat, and full of many wonderful plants but curiously few ferns).

Hiking around Waimea Canyon
We drove up a stomach-turningly twisty road for an hour to get to Waimea Canyon, the Grand Canyon of Hawaii. It was misty and foggy, but pleasantly cool.

Brother pointing out a waterfall on the other side of the canyon that he hiked to on a previous trip. I missed the first time they pointed in unison and made them strike the pose again (hence the goofy grins, as they were laughing at me).

Then they did this. Wiseacres.

This graffiti in the canyon facilities made me giggle, as did this sign.

After the canyon, we went a bit further to the beginning of the Na Pali Coast and its famous cliffs. Hiking here was a little scary, because the cliffs had really steep drop-offs. If you fall off one, you're pretty much toast.

This was in a museum/park ranger station somewhere along the road. December plums, indeed.

Obligatory sandy-foot beach photo

These dudes would wait for a good-looking wave to roll up, then race towards it and flop down on their little boards and do incredible flips into the air. This went on for about three hours. Also, Hawaiians really do flash the "hang loose" hand sign (the shaka) at each other, but minus the waggling and with the wrist rotated so the thumb points up and the pinky points towards the person being greeted.

I got lei'd by my brother / Nick's car

Because he's a copycat, Nick peeled this sign off of an airplane seat and stuck it on his glove compartment. I've done that with every car I've ever owned (all two of them). He says that some of his passengers ask him all seriousness if he has a life vest under the seat. He always says yes.

Airports and planes

GROSS. There was a nest of hair trapped between the inner and outer windows on my plane from Oahu to Kauai. Luckily it's a short flight.

Chandelier made of shells

One of many rainbows

My brother and his boat

The stairs to get from one level of the ship to another are crazysteep. They're more like ladders than stairs. I can't imagine trying to climb up or down one when the ship is rolling in major waves (which it usually is).

In the mess hall, the chairs have little ropes that you attach to the table. This is so that your chair doesn't move too far from your food when you're on the high seas. And the surface of the table is covered with super-grippy anti-slide stuff to help keep your plate from going too far. My brother says that you always have to hold your glass to keep it steady, and you generally try to eat as quickly as possible.

a bitchslap in slow motion: funnier than it seems

2008-03-27T14:27:00.001-05:00

the feral chickens of Kauai

2008-03-25T11:17:00.002-05:00

The story goes like this.

Several years ago, a big hurricane hit the island of Kauai. It knocked over chicken coops and tore down chickenwire, and the birds made a break for it. In the absence of any real predators (including people, since nobody there eats them), the feral chickens rule the island, growing fat and sassy on fallen fruit and earwigs. They've multiplied in numbers to the point where they easily outnumber the human population.

The roosters flout the conventional rules about when and where it's appropriate to crow, and they make all sorts of racket whenever the urge strikes.

2008-03-11T19:18:00.002-05:00

Well, no wonder I felt noticeably off my game for the past two days. I have a fever of 101.1! Awesome.

You know when you're feeling good, because you walk quickly and there's a spring in your step. The past two days I've been dragging myself slowly (and reluctantly) from place to place. My feet feel like they're made of lead. I was blaming it on the time change, but I've been getting around eight hours of sleep, so that excuse barely held water.

I'm going to try to make an appointment with Student Health tomorrow to get some antibiotics or something. I leave for Hawaii on Friday, and I refuse to be sick while I'm on vacation. It's just not allowed.

2008-03-05T17:05:00.001-05:00

2008-03-04T22:43:00.002-05:00

Sometimes I feel like not having cable tv is a real disadvantage.

For example: what the eff is a Tila Tequila?

If it comes with a lick of salt and a wicked hangover, I'm in.

2007-11-01T10:20:00.001-05:00

I HAVE FINALLY FIGURED OUT HOW TO WORK THE GODDAMNED COFFEE LIDS IN THIS CITY. I know, gold star for me. But I feel a sense of accomplishment, and I'm going to share it with you. You lucky devils!

So the lids on most of the take-away cups of coffee are all the same. At least, at all the coffee establishments I patronize. They're not the idiot-proof Solo lids that are sort of raised and have an existing hole for you to sip out of. These are flat, and you have to tear away a flap and fold it back to make a drinking hole. These lids have been the bane of my existence for, oh, about a year now, because the damn flap won't stay open. There's a rim on the lid, and there's a corresponding valley-like area to accommodate the rim when the flap is folded back. You would think that the valley-like area would snugly hold the rim and keep it from flopping on your nose when you drink, right? Right. Well, it doesn't work like that. The valley-like area just doesn't secure the flap, and you have to hold a finger over the flap while you drink, lest you get coffee dribbles and condensation on the bridge of your nose as you sip. Irritating!

So - in my post-Halloween exhausted stupor - I took some time to study the engineering of the lid before opening the tab. Normally I couldn't be bothered to study a coffee lid, but I'm kind of spacey right now, y'know? Well, I've figured it out. There a NIB. THERE'S A FUCKING NIB. I've been pressing the coffee lid flap in the wrong place (by the rim and the valley-like area) this whole time, and of course none of the pressure applied goes to the nib. If you press the flap at the other end, close to where it hinges with the lid, you can pop the nib into a snug little nib-shaped hole, and VOILA! The FLAP STAYS OPEN!

Now, if I only I could train my baristas to stop giving me my coffee in a bag, this city would be perfect.

There's a special circle of Hell reserved for people like me. It's going to be awesome!

2007-10-08T16:18:00.000-05:00

I kind of hate you, you know that?

Mr. Bento

2007-10-08T16:17:00.001-05:00

10.1.07
Originally uploaded by trappedinabay.

I've joined the Mr. Bento Porn pool on Flickr. It's great fun, and an excellent exercise in mindful eating over indiscriminate munching. This container, just slightly bigger than a thermos, holds perfect portions of wonderful treats.

Today I couldn't wait until lunchtime. It was all gone by 10:30. :(

2007-10-08T16:16:00.001-05:00

Is this a photo of Prince Harry with a wine glass held to his nipple by suction?

Why yes, yes it is.

(Laughing my ass off over here.)

2007-08-29T09:32:00.000-05:00

Last night in a herculean effort to avoid more unpacking, I was doing some light word-nerd reading and I came across a reference to the origin of emoticons. It turns out that the 25th anniversary of the first emoticon is in a few weeks. How much do you want to bet that some geeks somewhere are planning a party?

...I kinda wish I was invited.

2007-08-19T11:52:00.001-05:00

Just came back from dropping off the Penske truck and getting a late breakfast at a diner. The move was fairly smooth. One of the mover guys dropped a box of glasses and four of them broke, but the good news is that none of them were irreplaceable and the glasses that I really like that were in that box are fine. We also got a ticket for parking a commercial truck on a residential street - which is completely retarded. How are you supposed to move your stuff into an apartment if you're not allowed to park by it? Apparently you're supposed to park on a commercial street with parking meters, but it's a really dumb law. Oh well, I'm writing it off as another moving expense.

A bunch of furniture was delivered from Ikea on Friday, and Frank spent most of the day assembling it. Three bookcases for his records (which are now off the floor, and the ugly mail crates are gone, hooray), two bookcases for books, a bookcase for dvds, and a little stand for the tv and dvd player. Yesterday after the mover guys were done, we took the big Penske truck to the mall so we could pick up some stuff at Bed Bath & Beyond and then buy a giant bag of cat food and several boxes of litter at Target. Lugging cat litter in the city might be my least favorite chore.

The kitties are shut up in the bedroom with a litter box & food & water, and so far they seem uninterested in trying to get out. They spent most of the day hiding under the bed, as expected, but now they're starting to explore a little bit. Bruce - Frank's cat - has been camped out by the bedroom door, watching for his chance to sneak in. He's been sniffing at the cracks and meowing, and both Agape and Walter have sniffed at Bruce through the door. Apparently you're supposed to let the cats smell each other and get used to each other's scents before you introduce them face-to-face. So we'll probably keep the girls in the room for another few days at least.

The apartment is basically a disaster area - boxes and bags of stuff all over the place, with narrow aisles so you can get from one room to another. But I'm too tired to really do much about it just yet. My major project for the afternoon will be to unpack my clothes and get them squared away. After that, it's all just books and kitchen stuff and miscellaneous crap.

Bruce, by the way, chewed a hole in the bottom of the giant bag of cat food. The little shit.

2007-08-19T11:52:00.000-05:00

2007-08-15T16:55:00.001-05:00

My mom is in Seattle, attending an extended family reunion. She was ~~telling me~~ bragging about how nice the weather is there - in the low 70's, breezy - and after I said (jokingly, of course), "Screw you! It got to 100 today!", my very-Christian aunt said that I talk like a New Yucker.

New Yucker.

2007-08-15T16:52:00.001-05:00

This is what Lauryn Hill looks like these days. I shit you not.

Can somebody please stage an intervention?

2007-08-15T16:51:00.001-05:00

Sometimes in the subway, I like to close my eyes and play a little game I call "How Many Strangers Are Touching Me Right Now?"

This morning: 8.

2007-08-15T16:50:00.001-05:00

This is the sun, as seen through a year-old piece of bacon. No, really. [Link]

moving

2007-08-15T16:48:00.000-05:00

My apartment is in chaos. Most of my things are in boxes, which are piled haphazardly in every spare nook and cranny of the living room. The rest of my things are piled on various flat surfaces in very broad categories, waiting for more empty boxes to arrive. These categories make sense to me, but I wouldn't be able to explain them to anyone else (why does the wooden wind chime belong in the same category as the glass measuring cup? Shhh, just trust me).

My roommate's patience with the chaos is wearing thin, but she can stuff it. [Have I told you that she throws a fit if you leave anything - anything - on the coffee table? She's a nut.]

On Friday, the new furniture from Ikea will be delivered to Frank's apartment. In flat boxes. Needing to be assembled. I kind of hate assembling furniture.

Saturday morning, I'm picking up a rental truck, but the truck rental place is nowhere near a subway stop, so in order to get there, I'll have to call a car service. (As someone who used to have a car, it drives me nuts to have to call a car so that I can rent a truck.)

Sometime after that, the moving dudes should arrive to take care of the heavy lifting.

On Thursday, or maybe on Sunday, some lady from Craigslist is coming by my place to inspect and hopefully purchase my enormous stereo that I never use.

Somewhere in this whole process - not sure when - we're going to move my kitties and begin introducing them to Frank's kitty. Hopefully they'll like each other, or at least not try to kill each other and destroy the apartment in the process.

2007-08-07T16:43:00.000-05:00

What?

Uh...no, seriously. What?

2007-07-31T09:33:00.000-05:00

This morning I crossed the street in the middle of the block rather than at the crosswalk, which in Midtown Manhattan during the morning rush hour is basically asking for death. I survived, though.

Against my better judgment, I went to see Ben Kweller last night. That was a bad idea. Not only is Ben Kweller a self-important hipster twatwaffle, but Southpaw (the venue) is a miserable, sweltering hellhole. The show was sold out, and there were probably 300 people crammed into the space that 100 people could occupy comfortably. AND THERE WAS NO AIR CONDITIONING. IN JULY. JESUS CHRIST PEOPLE. If I hadn't had the foresight to bring my Chinese fan, I wouldn't have survived. As it was, it wasn't pretty. I sweat in places I didn't even know I had sweat glands.

Anyway, he was performing Sha Sha, an album that I briefly liked several years ago. I originally thought that I liked the idea of an artist performing an album live. I was mistaken. It's boring and predictable. If I wanted to hear an album, I would sit on my couch in comfort and air conditioning, or dance around my room in my underwear and air conditioning.

The good news is that even in a rumpled, sweaty state, I'm cute. No fewer than two (2) dudes struck up conversations with me on the train. I'm a hot (get it? get it?) commodity.

In the wonderful movie The Gods Must Be Crazy II, which should be required viewing for all, there's a scene where a man encounters a vicious badger-like beast that decides it wants his boot. "Once they latch on, they don't let go!" he tells his companion as he runs. But he's not quick enough, and the badger (which Frank discovered is a ratel, or a honey badger) catches his boot and clamps on, growling. After dragging the badger for a while, he manages to shake it loose, but the badger is tenacious. It follows the man through the desert, huffing and growling and waddling after him for miles. It's just about the funniest thing ever.

2007-07-26T16:57:00.000-05:00

Last night after excellent dumplings and awful soup at Shanghai Joe's in Chinatown, then some plum bubble tea that tasted like prunes from TenRen, then purchasing a Chinese fan (me) and a dragonfruit (him), and I went to the Knitting Factory to see Bat for Lashes. We hid from the awful opening act (Pepi Ginsburg, aka Pepi Nutsucker) in the basement bar and played an amusing game that involved me trying to stick my gum in his beard. I'm a terror.

Bat for Lashes is the stage name of Natasha Khan, the dark-haired, half-Pakistani girl in front, and those other chicks are her friends/band. They were amazing. They have all sorts of interesting percussion instruments, complicated and shiny costumes, and incredible harmonies. I. Am. In. Love. RIYL: Bjork, Tori Amos, Kate Bush, Rasputina

Also, I'm certain that Moby was there last night, but alas, I have no proof.

This video is said to be a tribute to Donnie Darko, one of Natasha's favorite movies, and I can definitely see it. It's worth watching, if you haven't seen it before - dudes with animal masks and hoodies doing jumps on bikes. Vaguely creepy.

Tahiti
What's a Girl to Do

Bjork had better step up her game - there's a new elf in town.

2007-07-05T17:07:00.000-05:00

OH MY GOD.

Have you ever read Chuck Palahniuk's story, Guts? This is that story in real life.

(warning: really gross)

2007-06-25T13:35:00.000-05:00

So this morning when I left for work, not one but TWO neighbors on my block were washing the sidewalks infront of their houses with foamy, bleachy-smelling water. They weren't even next-door neighbors, they were about half a block apart and on opposite sides of the street. One lady was push-brooming the water into the street.

Yeah, sterilize those sidewalks.

Weirdos.

Shirley Bassey vs. Jordin Sparks?

2007-06-25T13:11:00.000-05:00

Shirley Bassey vs. Jordin Sparks?

Now, really. NO BRAINER.

2007-06-12T11:25:00.001-05:00

Weekend highlights:
- Big Apple BBQ Block Party
- Gotham Girls Roller Derby
- NYPD Vintage Police Car Show
- Mercedes Sosa
- Walking past P. Diddy as some big-breasted chick confronted him about stealing her cab. (He surrendered the cab and hailed a rickshaw.)

Big Apple Barbeque

I approve.

This is a freakin' VAT of Brunswick stew, being stirred with freakin' OARS.

Yum yum yum yum yum!

Around town

I know it's old news, but this is the first time I've had my camera with me when I encountered one of these.

My inner 12-year-old thinks this is hilarious.

Dude, there are some totally gnarly waves on the F train.

A sign on the Upper East Side.

The "garden" in question. I lolled! New York is funny.

Mercedes Sosa

See that wee little speck of red? That's Mercedes Sosa (aka, the Nina Simone of South America), as seen from the very last row on the very top balcony of the NY City Center.

NYPD Vintage Police Car Show

Gotham Girls Roller Derby: Queens of Pain vs. Bronx Gridlock

2007-06-04T09:27:00.001-05:00

You know that phenomenon of perception where you don't particularly notice something until someone points it out to you, or it becomes personally relevant, and suddenly you notice it all over the place?

I have a dentist appointment today. Looming. I've been dreading it for two solid weeks. And everything in the universe has been pointing to it: Ben talking about dentists, Josh talking about dentists, junk emails trying to sell me dental insurance, billboards advertising floss, instore promotions for White Strips...

2007-06-01T08:18:00.000-05:00

How do you catch a unique rabbit?
Unique up on it.

How do you catch a tame rabbit?
Tame way, unique up on it.

In other news, I have been totally kicking ass at getting things done. The sensation is almost exactly like lining up rubber duckies on the edge of a bathtub and flicking them into the water, one after the other.

2007-06-01T08:15:00.000-05:00

When life gets you down, just think, it could be worse. You could've gone to Hickey College. Their admissions recruitment slogan is "Let Hickey College help you Finish First."

HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA

2007-05-30T12:38:00.001-05:00

create your own visited country map
or check our Venice travel guide

2007-05-30T12:34:00.000-05:00

You know that old superstition about cats being able to see ghosts? Well, around 3 a.m., both of my cats freaked out. They came tearing into my room and bounced on my bed, waking me up. Their fur was all puffed out, and Agape hunkered down by my pillow, staring intensely at the foot my bed and alternately growling and hissing. Walter was staring at the door to my bedroom and making little squeaky growly noises.

Naturally, this freaked ME out, so I grabbed the closest weapon (a book) and turned on all the lights, quickly replacing the book with a hammer (I had been hammering things in my bedroom earlier in the day). Brandishing the hammer, I looked for an intruder, but found none. I double-checked the locks on the door and made sure that the windows were secure.

I finally calmed down enough to go back to bed, but Agape and Walter were still on red alert. Their fur had gone back to normal, Walter wasn't growling anymore, and Agape's growls had subsided to an occasional rumble. Neither one showed the slightest inclination to leave the bed or approach the edges. They both continued to stare intensely at specific points in the room; Agape at the foot of the bed, and Walter at the doorway. What freaked me out the most was when Walter's gaze began to travel slowly across the room, and as her focal point crossed Agape's focal point, Agape's stare flickered to Walter's focal point for a moment, and she growled.

Eek.

Gradually they chilled out, and I was finally able to fall asleep again around 5. This morning they acted like nothing had happened.

2007-05-30T12:22:00.001-05:00

After a visit to Italy, Tchaikovsky wrote a piece called Souvenirs de Florence. Had he visited Chad (Tchad in French) he might have written a similar piece and we would have Tchaikovsky's Tchotchkes of Tchad.

2007-05-30T12:11:00.001-05:00

I developed a new game with Walter this morning.
Me: Pick up kitten, deposit into still-wet-from-shower tub.
Walter: Hop out! Stare up at Andrea, say, "Mrroww."
Me: Pick up kitten, deposit into still-wet-from shower tub.
Walter: Hop out. "Mrrrow!"
Me: Pick up kitten, deposit into still-wet-from-shower tub.
Walter: Hop out. "Mmmr. Row!"

And so on and so forth, for several more iterations, until bored. Really, what are kittens for, if not this?

the world is not my oyster

2007-05-29T08:45:00.000-05:00

So my bathtub is completely clogged. I took a cool bath the other night in an effort to fight the oppressive heat in my apartment (and it did wonders). But the water did not drain after I pulled the plug.

Having infinite faith in the power of large amounts of Drano, I went out and purchased some. I lugged the nasty chemicals up my stairs, poured them slowly over where I think the drain is, and sat back to wait. Actually, I went to see a movie, having full faith that my tub would be empty and bone dry by the time I got back. Not so. Now it's just a tub full of water and chemicals.

Thinking if I could bail out some of the water, I'd discover the problem, I started transferring water from the tub to the bathroom sink and the kitchen sink. It drained away slowly, and it seemed like I was making some headway, but then I noticed that water was bubbling back up into the tub from the drain. So, it would seem that my kitchen and bathroom sinks are connected to the tub, and that they're all clogged. Terrific.

So this morning, I had to get up extra early and go to the boyfriend's apartment to shower. This is not a convenient arrangement.

In a fit of idiocy (uncaffeinated distraction?), I left my cellphone at the boyfriend's apartment. Clearly, this thing has me frazzled. I don't know my landlord's number - I programmed it into the phone and promptly forgot it - so I can't call him. I sent him an email instead (using lots of extraneous punctuation and capitalization, to emphasize the direness of the situation), and I hope he checks his email this morning. Best-case scenario, he'll call a plumber and my tub will be empty and bone dry by tonight. But, since I'm in a glass-is-half-empty kind of mood, I'm inclined to think that the situation won't be easily resolved, and I'm going to have to shower at the boyfriend's again tomorrow morning (because I'm certainly not going to work unshowered in this heat, echh). This puts a serious crimp in my plans for the evening. Can I stay out late and get up early? I'm not Superwoman, you know.

2007-05-29T08:31:00.000-05:00

I was just remembering the weekend when my little brother, the Coast Guard Academy cadet (now a Coast Guard officer), was visiting and helping me move to my first apartment sans roommates. We were in a black hole, news-wise. No tv, no newspapers, no radio. As far as we were concerned, the world outside of Uhauls and boxes and heavy things did not exist. So it wasn't until late that Monday evening that we found out that President Reagan died and Smarty Jones lost the Triple Crown. Anyway, earlier in the day on Monday, we stopped by a post office so that I could fill out a change-of-address form. My brother, the budding patriot that he was, was annoyed that the flag was at half-mast. "That's no way to fly a flag!" he said, clearly annoyed. While I went inside, he stayed outside and raised the flag to the top of the pole. Later when we heard the news, he was mortified and I was delighted.

Amanda, my gunshot-victim friend, was an IRS operative at the time. Whenever a former president dies, government employees get the day off. After finding that out, she started rooting for Carter to kick it.

after that the floodgates opened up, and I fell in love with everyone I saw

2007-05-29T08:20:00.000-05:00

There's this stretch of the PA Turnpike between Pittsburgh and Breezewood that cuts through what are probably the foothills of the Appalachians. (If they have a specific name, I'm not aware of it, and a cursory Googling didn't reveal anything.)

Anyway, this particular semi-mountainous stretch of the Turnpike is surrounded by trees. It's like Babe and Paul Bunyan just tore through the forest to make a road. It would be a very beautiful part of the highway, except that the first few rows of trees bordering the Turnpike are all dead, grey things from bearing the brunt of exposure to exhaust. These trees are martyrs.

hardwired to succeed

2007-05-25T10:02:00.001-05:00

So my trusty ol' kitchen timer, which I've been using as an alarm clock for the past four-odd years, finally died last week. Well, it didn't DIE. It can still count off minutes and hours, but it just doesn't beep when time's up anymore. This renders it rather useless as an alarm clock, unfortunately.

I haven't replaced it yet, partly because I'm too stubborn to pay $5 for an actual alarm clock, and partly because I'm in mourning for the kitchen timer (my enemy, my friend. Ah, the times we've had, negotiating an extra five minutes).

Miraculously, though, I've woken up on time every day this week. As the sun starts to come up around 6, my sleep gets lighter and lighter. By 6:30, without fail, I am awake (though in denial, since I don't have to get up until 7). This circadian rhythm thing is pretty cool.

Chalk another one up for trusting one's body.

2007-05-25T09:52:00.000-05:00

Google in Swedish Chef.
Google in Elmer Fudd.
Google in Esperanto.
Google in Hacker.
Google in Klingon.
Google in Pig Latin.

2007-05-25T08:16:00.001-05:00

I'm never going to get used to this coffee in a bag thing.

New York is so weird.

it's going to be a busy summer in New York...

2007-05-23T09:18:00.000-05:00

May
26 - Saturday - Brooklyn Bridge walking tour, 1 p.m., $12
28 - Monday - Manhattanhenge, sundown, any east-west street, free

June
1 - Friday - Animal Collective, 7 p.m., South Street Seaport Pier 17, free!
1-3 - Fri-Sun - Feast of Anthony of Giovinazzo, Mulberry St. between Broome and Spring
3 - Sunday - 2nd Avenue Street fair, 2nd Ave from 66th to 86th St.
5 - Tuesday - Shakespeare in the Park starts! Romeo & Juliet, free, 7 p.m. - Rufus Wainwright @ Blender Theater at Gramcery, 8 p.m., $40 - The Pipettes & Smoosh, Highline Ballroom, $16, 9 p.m.
7 - Thursday - Basement Bhangra @ SOBs, 200 Varick St. near Houston, $5 before 8 p.m., free mojitos 7-8 p.m.
9 - Saturday - Annual Vintage Police Car Show, NYPD Museum, 100 Old Slip Rd., 10 a.m. to 5 p.m., free
9-10 - Sat & Sun - Big Apple BBQ Block Party, Madison Ave. from 23rd to 26th St.
12 - Tuesday - Museum Mile Festival, 5th Ave. from 82nd to 105th St.
Stevie Nicks & Chris Isaak @ PNC Bank Arts Center, 8 p.m., $25
15 - Saturday - Apples in Stereo - Central Park - free!
18 - Monday - Annie Hall showing in Bryant Park ~ 7 p.m. - free!
20 - Wednesday - Peaches @ Highline Ballroom, 10 p.m., $30
23 - Saturday - Mermaid Parade in Coney Island - Pride Fest, 8th Ave. from 14th St. to 23rd St.
25 - Monday - (Andrea's birthday!) - The Thing From Another World playing in Bryant Park (free!) - Wilco & Low @ Hammerstein Ballroom, 311 W. 34th St., $37
30 - Saturday - Morrissey @ Madison Square Garden, $35

July
1 - Sunday - Walking Tour: Dutch New Amsterdam, 1 to 3 p.m.
2 - Monday - Paper Moon showing in Bryant Park, free!
4 - Wednesday - New Pornographers, 3:30 p.m., Battery Park, free! - Macy's 4th of July Fireworks @ South Street Seaport, 9 p.m.
5 - Thursday - Basement Bhangra, SOBs on Varick near Houston, $5 before 8 p.m.
6 - Friday - Morrissey @ PNC Bank Arts Center, $25, Holmdell NJ
9 - Monday - Wait Until Dark playing in Bryant Park; free!
11 - Wednesday - Spoon, Rockefeller Park, 7 p.m., free!
12 - Thursday - Gin Blossoms - B.B. King's Blues Club, 8 p.m., $22
16 - Monday - The Decemberists, Central Park Summerstage, 6:30 p.m. $30
18 - Wednesday - Ani DiFranco @ Prospect Park, 7:30,. $37
20 - Friday - Meatloaf @ Madison Square Garden
21 - Saturday - Siren Festival, Coney Island
23 - Monday - The Sting playing at Bryant Park
28 - Saturday - The Roots @ Randall's Island
30 - Monday - All the King's Men playing at Bryant Park

August
1 - Wednesday - The Police @ Madison Square Garden, $55
2 - Thursday - Negativland, 7 p.m., $20
3 - Friday - Billie Holiday remixes, South Street Seaport Pier 17, 7 p.m., free
4 - Monday - Bus Stop playing at Bryant Park
5 - Tuesday - Shakespeare in the Park - Midsummer Night's Dream starts! free - Al Green @ Madison Square Garden
7 - Thursday - Daft Punk, The Rapture @ Coney Island, $50
10 - Friday - Celebrate Brooklyn Festival - Bollywood in Brooklyn
11 - Saturday - Dramatic Reading and Boat Ride, 12 to 1 p.m.
12 - Sunday - Diamanda Galas
13 - Monday - Casablanca playing in Bryant Park
20 - Monday - Psycho playing in Bryant Park
24 - Friday - Camera Obscura @ South Street Seaport -free!

How to Irrigate Your Nasal Passages

2007-05-23T09:04:00.001-05:00

...as demonstrated by Drew from Toothpaste for Dinner and Married to the Sea.

2007-05-22T13:46:00.001-05:00

Let's talk about mantis shrimp, aka badass motherfuckers.

Called "sea locusts" by ancient Assyrians, and now sometimes referred to as "thumb splitters" by modern divers — because of the relative ease the creature has in mutilating small appendages — mantis shrimp sport powerful claws, formed like jackknives, that they use to attack and kill prey by spearing, stunning or dismemberment. Some pet mantis shrimp have managed to break through their double-paned aquarium glass with a single strike from this weapon.

Around 400 species of mantis shrimp have currently been described worldwide, which are commonly separated into two distinct groups determined by the manner of claws they possess:
Spearers are armed with spiny appendages topped with barbed tips, used to stab and snag prey and some have a blunt, calcified club on the elbow.
Smashers, on the other hand, possess a much more developed club and a more rudimentary spear (which is nevertheless quite sharp and still used in fights between their own kind); the club is used to bludgeon and smash their meals apart. The inner aspect of the dactyl (the terminal portion of the appendage) can also possess a sharp edge, with which the animal can cut prey while it swims.
Both types strike by rapidly unfolding and swinging their raptorial claws at the prey, and are capable of inflicting serious damage on victims significantly greater in size than themselves. In smashers, these two weapons are employed with blinding quickness, with an acceleration of 10,400 g and speeds of 23 m/s from a standing start. Because they strike so rapidly, they generate cavitation bubbles between the appendage and the striking surface. The collapse of these cavitation bubbles produce measurable forces on their prey in addition to the instantaneous forces of 1,500 N that are caused by the impact of the appendage against the striking surface, which means that the prey is hit twice by a single strike; first by the claw and then by the even bigger force from the collapsing cavitation bubbles that immediately follows. Even if the initial strike misses the prey, the resulting shock wave can be enough to kill or stun the prey.
The snap can also produce sonoluminescence from the collapsing bubble. This will produce a very small amount of light and high temperatures in the range of several thousand kelvin within the collapsing bubble, although both the light and high temperatures are too weak and short-lived to be detected without advanced scientific equipment.

Mantis shrimp appear to be highly intelligent, are long-lived and exhibit complex behavior, such as ritualized fighting. Scientists have discovered that some species use fluorescent patterns on their bodies for signaling with their own and maybe even other species, expanding their range of behavioral signals. They can learn and remember well, and are able to recognize individual neighbors with whom they frequently interact. They can recognize them by visual signs and even by individual smell. Many have developed a complex social behavior to defend their space from rivals. [link]

Man, am I glad these things live at the bottom of the sea and aren't scuttling around Central Park. I'd hate to come across one in a dark alley.